"People are hell!" - Voltaire

Well, maybe not everyone! But who hasn't been stressed out by a hostile or aggressive, angry person, or someone that can never make up their mind or one who constantly complains? Know-it-alls, negative "wet blankets", gossips and bossy people can all cause lots of problems.

Assertive communication - where you state the problem, how you feel, what you need and the consequences if thing don't change - is usually helpful. But with certain people, even these techniques don't seem to work!

If you're having trouble with a certain person, first ask yourself: "Are they always difficult or are they a reasonable person who is going through a stressful time? If the answer is "always" here are some suggestions:

• Realize that their unpleasant behaviour probably comes from their own difficulty adjusting to life's problems because of their personality or temperament. Difficult people may inherit their personality or perhaps have been affected by some kind of abusive, dysfunctional environment in childhood.
• Imagine you have "X-ray eyes" and you can see through their skull. See a green fungus growing on their brain, that makes them act the way they do. Let's all work to find a cure!
• Picture a large sign hung around their neck saying, "It's not just you I do this to...it's everyone!

Use the Q.T.I.P. approach...QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY!

*Reduce your anxiety with humour...imagine them with no clothes, sitting on the toilet or wearing a red rubber nose.

• If someone consistently creates an enormous amount of stress in you life, consider getting professional advice to deal with the situation. You may need some additional tools to deal with the stress and an outside opinion on the situation can be useful.

Here are some ideas for responding to specific stress creating communications styles:

• If some one you're dealing with changes the subject, you could say: We're getting off the point..then repeat your statement of concern.
• If they laugh or try to make fun of your position, say " I know you're trying to be funny, but I really need...."
• If they become emotional or start crying. Try: I understand that this upsets you, but this problem still needs to be solved."
• If they react with anger, say "This obviously makes you angry, buy I need to discuss this with you" or ask "Please tell me what upsets you most about this situation"
• Always emphasize that you are not criticizing them, it's their behaviour or interaction with you that bothers you.
• If you find you can't have a calm, rational discussion with a difficult person take a break and schedule a time to talk about the problem further.
• When someone puts you off or ignores your concern, use the broken-record technique - keep repeating what you said and keep asking to set a time for discussion.
• If there is a tendency, to start arguing about details, be the one to say: "We're getting off the subject and let's get back to the point of this discussion."
• If you're still not getting anywhere, you could ask the person why they have a problem seeing your point of view or changing a behaviour that you find stressful. Perhaps, most importantly, really listen to what they have to say because this may provide answers on how to deal with them more effectively.
• Last, but not least you may have to take steps to avoid a difficult person. If you do not see this as a current option, try to understand why they are the way they are, rehearse what you need to say to them and use relaxation techniques to stay calm as you interact with them.

Try to find some humour in each encounter and continue to work on changing your reaction to the situation, because trying to change others is usually a huge waste of time!

Dr. David Rainham is a Family Physician, Speaker and Author of The Stress of Teaching,
Stressed Out! Taking control of Student Stress and Winning Your Battle with Stress.
For more information, visit www.optimumhealth.ca or call 1-800-771-5776