by David Rainham. M.D., C.C.F.P.

"Always forgive your enemies, nothing annoys them so much." Oscar Wilde

One way to guarantee severe, long lasting feelings of stress and depression is to be physically, sexually or emotionally abused- or a victim of another serious crime.

If someone does something really bad to us we basically have two choices. The natural thing to do, because it seems to feel "right" may be to hang on to our hatred and anger at the wrongdoer and even plot for revenge. However, like a toxic dump, repressed hatred and anger festers inside us, spreading its poison, damaging us physically with increased blood pressure or emotionally through chronic anxiety, drug and alcohol abuse, eating disorders, depression, panic attacks and phobias.

We may carry that poison into our current relationships, putting them at risk. But perhaps the major problem with remaining angry and resentful is that we allow those who once hurt us to continue to control our lives.

On the other hand, we can choose to forgive. Forgiving means your are for (in favour of) giving and ultimately the person you are giving to is... yourself!

The hurt is real, but deciding to forgive the perpetrator does not make you weak or vulnerable. You don't excuse or condone their actions. You are not letting them off without responsibility and certainly you don't need to forget what happened.

You choose to forgive to free yourself from the poison of the past and to regain your health and happiness. Forgiving makes you more powerful and possibly a better person. It does demand a great deal of personal courage to forgive. (Don't wait until you get an apology or admission of wrong doing, you may never get it! And you don't really need it to move on!)

Forgiving is not a simple, single act - it's a process, like grieving. After any traumatic or hurtful event we need time to go through stages such as these:

• Denial: We often use it at first to numb painful feelings. To forgive, we've got to acknowledge that something hurtful happened.
• Self blame: We say: "Perhaps it was my fault" You may have played a role - but how much was your choice?
• Feeling Angry: This often feels good, but is only useful if it motivates you to take positive action.
• Feeling like a victim: Abused children often feel they must be worthless, otherwise why would it happen to them?
• Listing your grievances: Don't let the poison fester, write down what happened and express your feelings.
• Trying to understand: Why did this happen...to me? Is the other person immature, under stress, emotionally disturbed, damaged in some way or simply evil? Don't count on really figuring it out or even getting and sense of understand from the perpetrator.
• Acceptance: The present situation and your feeling may not be ideal, but in order to move on you will forgive.
• Surviving: By forgiving, you can become free to experience happiness, able to channel your anger into positive action, realizing that there is more to life than the hurt you have suffered.

Is there one person you could choose to forgive? (Living or Dead) Try it..you may be surprised at how much lighter you feel without the load of anger and blame.

"Forgiveness is the key to action and freedom" Hannah Rarendt

Dr. David Rainham is a Family Physician, Speaker and Author of The Stress of Working and Winning your Battle with Stress. He also offers personal stress assessments.

For more information, visit www.optimumhealth.ca or call 1-800-771-5776